Most people have seen those bumper stickers that say something like “I’d rather be fishing” or “I’d rather be on the beach” or “I’d rather be quilting” or whatever the person in the car in traffic would rather be doing.  I’ve never seen a bumper sticker that says “I’d rather be stuck in traffic than somewhere else that is fun or beautiful or interesting.”  Which isn’t surprising.

There are a lot of things we become as we travel through our days and experiences and relationships.  We are let down and we become suspicious; we are burned by a love and we become jaded; we are mistreated and we become guarded; we are betrayed and we become defensive; we are teased and we become self-doubtful.  I don’t ever remember thinking to myself when something disappointing happened “I’d rather be upset about this, than to let it go and be stress-free.”  But I wonder why I didn’t?  Is it mandatory to be upset, angry, bitter, resentful, unforgiving, defensive, mean-spirited?  Perhaps, as we grow through these challenges we learn that many of the emotional postures that are most natural to adopt when hurt are not all that good.  If we can find the inner strength we might be able to rise above the hurtfulness of others and choose to be something better than what the negative experiences often lead us to become. 

The first time I remember hearing “I’d rather be happy than right” I was in my mid-30s.  I probably heard it before that, but I didn’t have enough experience with being right and miserable to understand what was meant.  I’d rather be happy than right is especially true in close relationships, like marriage.  Of course there are some people and relationships in which you may find yourself always wrong, no matter what, and it can be depleting.  That’s not what being happy instead of right is about.  At least I don’t think it is.  Abusive relationships, in which one person is always wrong, no matter what, are too much.  There are other relationships, however, that are healthy enough for one or both partners to give into happiness rather than proving he or she is right in a particular instance.  In these situations the person who is choosing happiness over being right feels strong enough in the relationship that being right in any particular situation is less important than having a sense of peace with the other. 

Thinking about “I’d rather be…” I decided to make a list for the times I’m faced with being treated poorly. Here’s my unfinished list of “I’d-rather-be…” statements:

I’d rather be too kind and taken advantage of because of it, than stingy and miss opportunities to make a difference

I’d rather be too forgiving and be a fool, than to hold grudges and resentments and be bitter.

I’d rather be too generous and be poor, than to be financially worried and leave someone else hungry.

I’d rather be too patient and have to wait, than to be impatient and make someone else anxious.

I’d rather be vulnerable and insulted, than to be too defensive and see dangers and enemies everywhere.  

I’d rather give people the benefit of the doubt and be disappointed, than to maintain a distrustful heart.

I’d rather be inquisitive and curious and let others feel heard and important, than to be a know it all.

I’d rather be humble and overlooked, than to be pushy and arrogant in order to feel important or approved.  

I'd rather be too accepting and err on the side of hospitality, than to withhold approval and leave someone desperate for compassion left out.

There are more to come, I’m sure.  I’m also sure that I can make such a list at this stage of my life and I couldn’t have made it earlier on.  Erik Erikson, the developmental psychologist who developed an eight-stage psycho-social development cycle describes the stage I’m currently in as “Generativity vs. Stagnation.” This stage is expressed as either passing on wisdom and love and being helpful and supportive to others, more giving than receiving, OR being selfish and self-centered and stingy and whiny about not being the center of attention (though no one complains of this, it is still the issue for those who are frustrated they weren’t asked or considered for something). Erikson identified this stage with the ages 26-64, which I think is probably generous considering the social circumstances that currently allow young adults to extend their maturing much longer than previous generations.  It is, like any theory, a generalization. There are exceptions, but it is fairly accurate.  I would be an example of one who didn’t enter the generativity vs. stagnation stage until later than 26.  But now that I’m firmly in that stage I can unquestionably say “I’d rather be generative than stagnant,” which is just another way of saying all the other “I’d rather’s” listed above.  This shift into being generative instead of stagnating in self-centeredness is essential for the final stage of Erikson's life cycle theory, which is Integrity vs. Despair.  At the end of life when all the do-overs are done, can one sense a "well-done" instead of an "oh no!"?  Integrity has to do with wholeness and despair is a sense of being deflated, fragmented and broken over the poor choices and lost opportunities.

It seems to me that maturing in this way is about choosing things that may be better for others than for ourselves, but discovering that in doing so, we are rewarded in a way we never expected. 

© Stephen Carl