Something I wrote as a pastor, humbled; with
a prayer for the church I was serving at the time. Pastoral ministry is
beyond definition, perhaps even description. One is stretched between the
competing horses of discipling and administering, of maintaining an institution
and serving one's Lord, of calming unnecessary anxieties and leading people
into the presence of God, of wrestling one's own ego and pursuing measurable
matrix, of living with integrity and coveting security, of being prophetic and
of keeping one's job, of being a voice crying out in the wilderness and of
being an ordinary parent for one's children. What a strange mixture of
incongruities ministry has become! Still, I find that nothing compares to
what I discover as one who has been shown mercy. The following I wrote in
October, 2014.
My heart has been captured by God.
With Paul, I realize that I contended against God--sadly I still do, much
to my dismay, often as my lips utter words that appear quite the opposite.
Of course, my mind--disclosing the deceptive duplicity by which it was
trained--Is too frequently convinced that my words are not a betrayal and my
life is not an offense to God.
On occasion I have moments of humbling
clarity when I shudder at my pride and weep at my foolishness. In such
moments I resolve to remain faithful--like Peter on the mount when the Lord was
transfigured, I desire to remain, building a tabernacle in which to abide
unscathed by temptation or weakness. Such a resolve, however, is not
faithful, nor is it possible. My deep desire remains pure in its hope of
faithfulness, but this hope and faithfulness itself is not without the stain of
sin.
The old creature does not relent, does not
let loose my soul. It patiently persists and grows in strength as it
whispers excuses that become greater and greater wedges driven between my heart
and the One who redeems.
For me, this cycle has been a gift of love,
for it has proven that which I could not see, that which I continue to ignore
and deny, that which is obvious if not for the blindness of my heart to its own
depravity. What is disclosed by the Spirit is that even my resolve and
every effort to remain chaste and pure, unadulterated by the sin that did not
pursue me, but rose out of my very own soul, yes even my proclaimed
faithfulness was infected by idolatry as it believed in God's mercy to forgive
and grace to be saved, but foolishly maintained that my own power was
necessary to remain in the presence, to preserve what I had been generously
given. Sinner to the core with no cell unaffected by this fallen predicament I
am. The darkness does not rest. It will become a Trojan horse of holiness
in order to slip within one's fortified heart and bring it down from
within.
And yet herein is its downfall, for with
this repetition I have seen that even my faithfulness and purity are a gift. Do
I remain pure and obedient on my own account, is there any percentage of my own
effort necessary for my sanctification or am I doomed to fall from this
blessing if I am lacking in persistent action to hold this position I have been
granted with my Lord? It is comical to believe so. And this is a
whisper of love!
So I have been captured and taken prisoner
of the Holy One. But I have not been enslaved or caged or punished--no,
indeed I have been freed. I have been given pure eyesight to see and
recognize the lie I have served for what it is: a sweetness on the tongue, but
a deadly and mortal poison with no antidote except one, the blessing of the
Holy One who draws from the veins of my life the poison.
I am beyond grateful. Gratitude is now
the air I breath, exhaling praise and thanksgiving.
I am a clay jar--an earthen vessel with
chips and cracks--but it is my joy to contain the treasure. I am deeply
moved by the will of our Creator to grant me such an honor as to bear this love
and truth. I have not done so without mistake and there is nothing I
grieve more than for the nature of my earthen vessel to become that which is
seen rather than what has been poured into me by grace. It grieves me,
though I know that in God's will, even this cannot eclipse God's love.
My prayer is this: for each soul to plumb
the depths of one's heart with the Holy Spirit and be relieved of the burden of
pride, be washed pure of deceit, rise new in grace, and pursue truth and
generosity in strength and earnestness. It is too easy to blame and point
judgmental fingers and by doing so remain in the chains of sin, and kept from
the rich gift of grace.
May it never be! except as a peculiar avenue
to stumble into the mercy of God!
Amen
© Stephen Carl
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